Some of the sounds in my head

I've been learning to communicate recently. But words are often not quite enough. Below are two of the closest matches I can get to my tinnitus and also to when all of my voices are out at once and arguing with themselves.

As you can imagine when both are in overdrive, overwhelm and freezing are often the best my brain can do, as it tries to process the internal and external stressors of daily life.

Tinnitus -- http://youtu.be/NPB0nQqiDj8 

1.18 minutes long.

Voices and looping --- http://youtu.be/uLni3XEHjTw 

.39 seconds long.

Changing a tyre

Recently I have been acutely aware of how much Zippy has to plan ahead for our family. I have, in light of this and the doubling of my meds, been trying to take more pro active responsibility.

The tyre in our car needs changing! I am going to be pro active! I am not going to leave this for Zippy to do!

Boldly I set out to 'Sam Tyres'. I gulp and reason with myself that 'garage land' is a land I understand, I can do this!!!

The car pulls right and immediate right again into the thin blue gates 'Sams Tyres'. The first thing that strikes me is a scene of utter chaos and the noise. 

I have pulled into a car park of Turkish, Afghan, African, Polish, Eastern European 'man land'. Theres a man with velvet red slip on shoes. Another with fake crocodile boots, yet another in sports direct steel toe caps, all covered in plaster dust.. It goes on.

Somewhere in my vague consciousness I can here all the various languages. I'm aware of a very un-English like jumble of cars and vans all trying to be 'next' for a new tyre. Horns are honking and in the din I realise I have parked right in the centre of the gates.

I have no clue how to express or navigate me and my car's needs. I get out, breath and look for eye contact with some one who understands I am a customer.

No one steps forward or reasures me with a helpful glance but I'm bloody minded and I stride up to a ford transit perilously balanced at 45degrees. I demand help from the mechanic by standing in a way that casts a shadow over his work. He speaks first "tyre?" he half shouts in an accent, I'm taken aback so I nod. "Tyre!" He goes on using his fingers "One two three four?" He looks at me questionably.

I'm not sure what to do, aware that velvet red shoe man has turned with interest in his skinny jeans. I hold a finger up "one" I reply to the mechanic who is already strutting purposefully towards our Citreon.

Taking a cigarette out of his top pocket, mechanic man lights up and roams around, "two" he says challengingly. "One" I say firmly, pointing at my offside front tyre. 

He seems disappointed, I feel triumphant that I didn't give in. "Drive your car" he commands pointing at what looks like an impossible path to the garage.

I feel myself freeze, I know I can't do it and my heart pumps. I hold up the keys and squeak "you". He looks disappointed, or at least resigned, and hops in the car.

Honking the horn repeatedly, an incredible vehicle dance starts. Men seem to appear from everywhere. Guiding, suggesting, hustling, whistling, until my car creeps its way through all the others to the front.

I myself am guided into a ply board makeshift hut. A hut containing three white garden chairs. I feel ridiculous,  have lost control and can't leave! My car is now trapped by others and I'm sat in a little 2m by 2m hut with its low roof and walls painted in yellow gloss.

Wondering how to keep calm I struggle to sit. Should I cross my legs, sit forward or sit back. Knowing none if the panic is really relevant, I watch as my car is jurked up and down on the trolley jack and air drill screeches. I remember all my lessons on tyre nut torque and wince. Then I look in horror as at incredible speed and co operation due to yet more honking and gibbering, my car is skimmed out of the garage across the car park and out the gate.

That's it I crumble! I don't know whats happening! Have they stolen my car? Are they test driving it? Where's it gone? I'm supposed to be collecting the kids from school in twenty minutes!!!

Body frozen unable to move, the same mechanic ambles over, "your car is dirty", I stare at him unmoving, "dirty your car", he seems slightly unnerved. I hear from far away a voice exclaim in a very posh voice "oh it's terribly filthy, most disgusting".

The words have come from me only I don't recognise them or the accent at all, dismayed I realise I must try and match that accent, but I'm so confused by it myself that I cannot. 

"Thirty pounds" says the mechanic. Not understanding all I can think is wheres my bloody car! "Thirty pounds for tyre and car wash" he says pointing out of the gate, "you pay card or cash?". 

Now when frozen (those that know me understand), I can not move until some bizarre thing goes ping in my head. However if someone else gives me a command then I will move instantly.

Thankfully mechanic man at this point gave me his full attention, (mostly because I think he thought I couldn't pay), squaring me full in the face he firmly repeated "come pay, come pay" waggling his finger at the bright blue hut opposite the yellow century box.

Having payed by following his blunt instructions, I then walk with concrete filled legs across the endless length of the car park. (Im sure it's tripled in size and velvet red shoe man is still wandering about on high alert). 

Through the blue gates and through a similarly styled yellow pair, in relief I found my car. Clean, sparkling, glossed tyres, polished interior and smelling of sweet spring flowers. 

Shocked, I smiled, marvelled and slid into the drivers seat. Looking at the gleaming gear stick and buffed glass. Where else but Tottenham could you get such a multi cultural experience, a full hand valet and a new tyre for thirty quid?

Conversations

Silence is a very safe space.

Silence is something that's easy to achieve but silence is a mock friend. It is impossible to build bridges out of silence.  Similarly only listening and commenting on what everyone is doing with their lives is equally one sided and isolating.

So what are these things called group conversations. How on earth do they work. I find them terribly confusing but am determined to persevere.

Recently I realised a great longing to be connected to people, however, I have not got much training in the correct ways of making this happen. The following are some of the formulas I have tried to work it all out.

Three in one

There is a great big wall in my life at the moment. Split in two: one Carwen on one side and one Carwen on the other  (and then a third watching from somewhere high up).

Firstly let me describe the wall, it's made of thick concrete and it's all grey. The surface is smooth on one side but gritty and sandpapery on the other. It's tall so so tall and it's wide. In short it's impenetrable and it's so densely made even sound can not get through. The Carwen stuck on one side has no chance of getting to the Carwen on the other. Only the Carwen high, high up can see into both sides.

Let me describe each Carwens predicament. 

The Carwen on the left hand side is presenting what look like anger. She is volatile and flies off the handle in a moment. She is the strong, the determined and the fighter. The wall on her side is smooth and she uses it as a guard to watch her back. If anyone approaches this Carwen they are met with suspicion that can turn into attack at the mere fluttering of potential threat.

The Carwen on the right side is beaten. She has been trapped by this wall for such a long time. Her body is thin, tired and bruised. She loves the Carwen in the left hand side, she wants to calm her down. Understanding that really angry Carwen is only scared, the anger is a front for deep pain.

 But now she sits immobile, the wall on her side is  sandpapery and rough. It scrapes and shaves at her thin arms and legs. She has sat now in defeat and despair, knowing her twin is hopping around misunderstood and communicating everything that is not true.

The third Carwen, the observer. She looks down on the other two. She watches as if it were an amusing game. She looks from one to the other but feels nothing. There is not much to write about her as looking is really all she does. 

Occasionally she considers climbing down to help one or the other but she is met with such confusion as to who is in most need. So the result is to just sit passively and not get involved. She is frozen by overwhelm.

This Blogg I dedicate to my young fighter friend. I write on your behalf as you are to young, in the hope that my experiences will help others see meaning in yours.

New extremes

 A short thought

Extremes and faith. Yesterday I would have said the extremes were signs of victories in faith. Flexibility, the ability to be ready, need nothing and go!!! Go, go as the call was made and the sacrifice required was presented. Go with a smile in the middle of the night.

Yesterday I would have said that extreme faith was the only way to test my commitment to the absolute. This would mean loss after loss, but a better fight after fight!

But then the extremes became normal, my brain became addicted and my heart lost reason. The distance between safe and unsafe ever wider.

So a few generations on, yesterday became today and now we fight for a firmer future but we stand on sand.

The new extremes are not the normal obvious whizz bang boooo!!!. The extremes are now things we dare not believe and talk about with whispered breath like consistency, longevity and trust.

Yep! the new extremes are not a high risk or a potent mixture of heady grit between the teeth. They are just the basic building blocks of relationship. 

These new extremes are barely remembered, if at all. There are few places to learn them from in this rushed instant existence, they are what make relationships grow and nurture. The new extremes such as honesty, love, loyalty, fun, joy and connection.

Join a revolution in the extremes of  today with rebuilding safety that can create houses on rocks. Join a revolution in having to learn about roots and sticks.

Join a revolution in the biggest most scary things of all, being in relationship with the wider. Home making, being friend, being mother, being father, being son / daughter, being community, creating safety rocks and making genuineness that last a life time. 

A new set of weary soldiers shout;

 "We want to live on rocks, the sand made us sea sick with its swaying". 

"We want to build on rocks so we have solid places to bungee from and spring back to".

So may we have the courage to cut this new extreme path. The sight to see  the longer way over individual, instant, and idealistic gain.

 Revolutionaries;

 "build with others, connected no longer be alone". As history had tried to say before, "No man is  an island and singular ness is not his throne".

Then on the rocks, villages will appear!, the old and young will learn to live again, need will be appeased and people will see people not just a possibility of gain. 

Yep, in this new love revolution family and community will reign.

Parts, Spanners and Logic

Being able to look holistically at things is something that has not always been available to me. The world has never been a simple place. It has always been, for the best part, a confusing, moving, heaving mass of intertwined meanings, subtexts and fascias.

I found people, places, routines, and non-routines hard. It was all hard and, in short, seemed very little that I understood until 1999.

It was in this year that a thought struck me and that was to take my love of trucks and large engines on a gear (excuse the pun). (I respect the humble car and its fine twiddly bits but there not a patch on a good old Perkins). I then enrolled on a two year mechanics 'Remove Replace NVQ', I got more than I bargained for.

We first had to learn each system; what and why it was there? Water system, oil system, suspension, brakes, fuel; the list is quite large so I'll stop. Then we had to learn how all these things helped and interacted with each other. Making the vehicle work smoothly and efficiently.

We then learned how all these systems then had to respond and alter when encountering external changes. Reacting smoothly to influences such as speed, load and temperature. 

The penny dropped and my eyes were open! Sparks flew, even as I write this, and I feel an excited churning in my belly!

One of my best friends had finally entered my world 'LOGIC'!

Gradually, over the two years, me and logic grew a deep relationship. I realised life is like an engine and relationships are like the systems on cars. Conversations are like the external pressures requiring flexibility and reaction.

It was the first time I had an ability to get out of the reactionary (the world is unpredictable and dangerous) a mode that I had always lived in. Things, stuff and people in my mind clearly became the same as those complicated vehicle drawings and I could now navigate and understand.

I saw life in levels, sub levels, dancing and interacting. I saw and still see people and environments in this same way. From physical self, emotions, speech, work and to rest. Each have layers and systems. You learn what must be in place to make them / it work.

The dinner must be made in time so all the component parts are cooked. Each according to there oil based, protein carbohydrate based, water content, identities. It can then all be presented at the same point, thus creating a multi-taste experience at the table. With the correct cutlery and drinks receptacle in the right quantities, which then correspond to the ages and diets of those eating.   

The lounge can be broken down into sofa, floor, bin, mantle piece, smell, dust layer, dog bed, computer / tv, and all of these must be at optimum function. Resulting in the ability to relax for the evening.

People talk to you and they will have an overall character. You will interact with it in a certain way (like/dislike), they will have super purposes for the direction of their lives which will then be broken down into pathways (walked or raced). each pathway full of sub purposes, actions and events. 

If I as the other conversant can grasp what the current purpose ( ie: to relax, to plan and to discover) is then I can interact or retract according to the most product perceived outcome. 

Often I  have learned that what is most enjoyable is not to have an ending. Having opened up a set of thoughts with another - leave it open. Don't look for closure on the the discussion, this then allows for further contemplation and creativity can kick in. Usually you find a whole new way of concluding, which would have been lost if at the point of parting either one of the conservationists had panicked, and tried to stunt the process into a box.

Sometimes if things are clear enough and I have an umbrella view, there seems to be the ability to see the colours of the situations. Blue for water, red for brakes and yellow for auxiliaries. That person is green, the room is blue and you are messy. You don't know your brown and lumpy; let's discover your true life giving colours. Let's add a good dashing of logical hope. That ones red, this ones multi coloured with extra glitter.

Yes it's a colourful world!!! The gift of logic was such a blessing! The gift of understanding how to build something complicated by breaking it down into systems, parts and types of materials. Understanding that in the end it must all work together seamlessly and produce a maintained well oiled smooth engine which is fit for purpose. It all still stuns me!

Whilst I see this is a continued learning experience and journey; I am eternally grateful to my tutors, Rodger and Dennis. The hours they practically gave, starting with parts and spanners instead of pen and paper! This blog I dedicate to honour them. Thank you.

Body brain and bed! (A short poem)

Energy, physical energy!

It would be lovely to have enough spark
to go from morning to night.

To not give up half way through a day
and SHOUT "turn out the light".

But what we must realise is our head
is never severed from our body's form.

Our beautiful nerves and sinew are intrinsically linked
and this can make the whole mass forlorn.

It's just like a headache
measles or stress. 

head and nervous system intertwine
but sometimes end up in a relational mess!

So spare a thought for hurting heads
that can't stand straight on toes. 

It's not that they are lazy and can't get out of bed,
like everyone thinks they know.

Fact is they are physically exhausted
trying to move in a tied up rope. 

Takes a lot to keep a perspective
Energetic... Light... Hope.

Next time you take ill
please take note of it's effect on your whole mass.

Spare an understanding thought for those
who feel they keep coming mentally physically last.

Carwen