Remembering

31/1/14

Today I am exhausted and I can't take in any more! A friend once described it as your head being like a bucket with water in it and sometimes theres to much water and the water starts to flow over.

That's where I'm at I think and my bucket has had ten taps on full..... maybe theres not even a bucket or maybe I'm an exploded fire hydrant water uncontrollably everywhere?

So where am I?  In bed trying to calm down and trying to cope with what I've heard, what I'm hearing and what I will hear .

My body is still but  heavy. I'm stuck to my mattress made of concrete.  I'm aware of what feels like bubbling under my skin and tingling. Every now and then  a limb, or over a part of me, will experience a shot of fizzing (inside the bubbles) like Champagne  being poured in a glass.

This is not an unpleasant thing I experience and I used to have it daily. It's a type of paralysis; a deep meditative place thats calm and safe. 

Apart from ringing in my ears,  it's quiet and my mind slows to just filtering suggestions and voices in a way thats singular rather that eight or nine.  Eight or nine conversations  I  can't quite grapple with and one conversation with ringing is the safest quietest place I get.

More movement please!!!

I get stuck in positions that are physically uncomfortable but it takes me ages to realise I am physically frozen and then move.

For example:

Like being sat in a chair with an outside door open making me cold.  I want to move and shut the door (adding to the situation that I'm hungry and thirsty). The thought of getting a cup to my mouth off a table that's so easily in reach - I stare at the cup willing it to fly to me but know you need to bend, move your arm, and pick it up. 

Uncrossing my legs, because my leg is going numb or my ankle is bent and uncomfortable way, I lean over the sink and drain vegetables whilst my feet are still planted by the cooker.  I remind myself, as I realise my back is twisted and mildly hurting, thinking "move your feet, make yourself straight in front of the sink, pivots and loads! pivots and loads! & remember pivots and loads!" 

Help! I want to leave Tesco but its hard!

Help I want to leave tesco but I can't.

This whole subject of food shopping has reared its head at various points over the years.

It started with colour, now what on earth might colour have to do with it you say?

 To me there are certain colours that do not work along side edible food stuffs. When the combinations of certain colours and food are seen together, I struggle to eat as they seem dangerous. Here are my top five in order of food / colour 'can go together' list.

Finally being able to explain

I can write this now because since going on pills instead of being swallowed into blackness, which is undefinable, I seem to be able to still think instead of being engulfed into my body.

 This is the first time in my life I have ever felt enough logic to be able to describe any of it. As my confidence grows, I learn I will not be swallowed into silence which takes days to get out of. But now I am able from a distance to  put words to it / them / us / me.

The speed at which new subjects or voices come and go are to quick to explain or hold, most are paranoid and threatening 'if u don't do this this that will happen' (driven by panic some will get stuck and reoccur).   'She walked from Leeds to Chester' repeated over and over in a sing song rhyming way or 'Rose will die if u don't say what's in your minds eye'.

 These thoughts will mercilessly haunt me until absorption somewhere else is found or I put music into my ears. 

   Some times, if too many physical places are visited in the day then the present place becomes the whole day and everything else is like yesterday. So although today I have been to Tesco, dropped kids at school, dropped Zippy at work, been at home, and cleaned the computer desk; each of these moments I struggle to recall because I'm on a dog walk.

Wading through suggestions and voices consumed, although now I have remembered each episode so as to write this, they seem so unreal, as if they may not have happened. Remembering putting them in sequence is exhausting as it means going back in thought a million thoughts previously.

 For example the thought of Rose killing herself unless I text Primrose, this I put down to me being hungry this morning. But even now as I've written it I have awakened it again, and now know it will have to be processed and gone through all or got over again.

   How wil I process this I don't want to face it all again I don't have time. I will do it by picking kids up from school, a physical state change that will mean I forget all this. It will become yesterday and I will be shocked if I remember to read this note so much in one day in one hour.  

It's the  crippling realisation that it's been so hard to try and explain, This evil twin/intrusions have kept me from communicating.

  It's a bit like trying to explain an all consuming explosion. But only being given a split second of that explosion to do it in, before it rumbles it's  way into the physical, resulting in body shock. Brain rendered useless and void. 

  A state change, or safe bedroom and routine are the only way to try and keep going, calm down. This maintenance in its self is exhausting and constant.....Apologies I circle...

 I rely on my clothes for comfort they don't change. 

Smiling as I write and reread this I wonder what more words will be put to use, to explain what's always seemed impossible.