Are you ok Carwen?

My brain whirls into gear. I start to try and cross reference a whole load of information to try and get the correct answer.

Firstly, what context is this question being asked? 

Is it a quick social meeting situation were I'm supposed to say, "yes I'm fine how are you?" 

Then comment on further meaningless statements such as the classic, "so enjoying the sunny weather" (statement followed by a smile). In this situation you are not being asked for anything greater than a positive memory of a 5 minute meeting that enhances your bond of care for the person involved. 

Then there's the mid level, "how are you?"

This is usually someone who knows you and is genuinely interested but only 20cms into your world not the full measure. You have to remember to give what I call 'topic titles' but don't unpack the topic.

Then there's the not equal "how are you?"

This is perhaps one of the easiest as the person usually always works in this pattern every time you see them you just have to identify it. They ask how are you?, I give a quick summary of a few bits of personal information and then ask "how are you?". That the rest of the meeting sorted and you spend a few hours identifying and solving problem patterns in the persons surrounding environment.

Then there's the echo.

This person works by echoing. It's almost a tit for tat "how are you?" "How are you?". How's work? How's your work. This only requires one piece of information replies, any expansion on a one sentence reply will be ignored and another question asked until the prescribed 'set' of questions have been asked and the person is fulfilled.

Then there's those who can get  nerdy, deep, and are what I call fellow pattern thinkers. 

Carwen how are u? Six hours later all subjects covered from both our lives it's 3am and everyone's in bed. You say goodbye knowing you have offloaded up loaded pondered and perceived and are fulfilled, with every topic unpacked repacked cross-referenced and logged. Sleep is deep and content.

Then theres double question bonanza.

"Carwen how are you? Did you see that program last night?"

Wrong wrong wrong, that's two questions, neither of which you are going to answer as by the time you have separated and categorised the information it is to late and the conversation had moved on so I'm left on the back foot trying to work out what is now being said.

Then there's the well intended but can't cope so get cut of with no resolution "how are you?"

Negative situation 

•  " I'm worried about X"
•  "Don't worry it will be alright this time next week?"
• "You've been here before you'll be ok?"

These are the hardest and the quickest to learn not to be vulnerable with as they don't understand that it's really hard to ask for anything. 

Positive situation

• "How are you?"
• "I'm so excited about X"
• "That's lovely"  

They change subject or look away or interrupt you mid sentence with there next observation or comment. In short no time has been given for your reply and you realise your going to have to transition with a cannon full of unexplained excited energy in the next period of time - sooooo hard. This will often result in shut down from me as I desperately try to filter and be interested in what's happening and fail. No closure....

These are just a few of the thoughts racing round my head as I'm asked  "how are you?"  

They are of course all thinking about the other person. There is of course where I'm at.

• Am I busy?
• Do I have time?
• Do I want to risk getting the answer wrong?
• Have I enough energy to get my words in the right order?
• How are my voices behaving?
• Are my voices shouting something different to what I want to say?
• Can I be bothered to talk at all as I'm not alright but know it needs to wait till I see my therapist?
• Should I put all mental stress to one side and blar blar blar????

And don't get me started on the complexity of group conversations!!!!!

"Carwen how are you?"

I stare blankly exhausted, "I'm ok". End of conversation 

My Creative Twin

Been wanting to write about this for a long time, finally there seems to be enough meaning.

As you may or may not know I am creative , having what I almost term as a relationship with it (creativity). I would describe it as yet another split in my personality (me and it /  it and me).

Last year I joined an art group in fear and trembling knowing it was time to meet my nemesis. Prior to this I had only allowed myself to only make crafty things, no paint or unstructured elements permitted.

But I have a twin, an untamed sibling, and we are joined at the shoulder. She has her own head and neck and I have mine. We battle as to who's eyes to look through and whose ears to hear with; she works alone and only in isolation; she can not communicate but she is dominate.

From 2000 till 2012 I kept her hidden and insisted on my vision only. I explained to her that her ways of doing things was impossible! I explained to her that I needed connection and relationship, unwilling to cope with what she produced I feared dying myself if it carried on. We share a body but constantly fought and argued and she won to often.

Looping

One of the common things I tend to be talking about with people at the moment is this terrible business of what my sister and I have nick named 'Looping'.

Looping from our perspective is defined as 'something- be it  a physical action, internal thought or external that dis-empowers you by your inability to control or choose to have its company'. 

Now I tend to mostly have only 'internal thought' and 'speech' looping

So I will write from that aspect.  My aim is to communicate some of the things I have identified.

My 'loops,' as I posted previously, are repeating suggestive voices, unfinished lines of music and external speech rules which must be completed in order for speech to move forward to another subject. I am never without noise in my head because of my tinnitus, so I see that as my base level on a 'good' relaxed day.  However I am learning now to be able to map the relationship between life stressors and the other 'loops'.

But another strange common denominator seems to be appearing in the patterns, and that is the frustration of being unable to complete.

 I'm staring to learn that you either give in to 'looping' and it rules you or, as I am trying at the moment, you try to embrace part of what drives the loop to start again and that for me is a great fear of finishing.

I'm not going to say that I understand this because I don't, I just know that when say a song line is repeating 'she sailed away, she sailed away, she sailed away'; I might as well be wading through setting concrete to get my brain to go 'she sailed away on a lovely summers day on the back of a crocodile'.  If by some miracle I manage it, it will quickly be replaced by another line from  another song.

So I have to ask myself is it worth the fight and the frustration, or do I just pack it away with the ringing/ banging and 'get on' with my day?

It's a catch twenty-two because mentally you then must find something equal to or above in intensity to be able to ignore all the other 'looping'. Achieving this will often mean rapid thinking, rapid speech or strenuous physical or repetitive movement.

It's hard to write this blog as I don't have any set solutions, I just know that I journey along a road of ups and downs. Days of coping, and some days of hiding. Maybe I just now accept the journey for what it is unknown. 

I have found comforts though that make a level of peace achievable and I share with you two of my best helpers. 

1. TV
Watching a few episode of a series back to back on a bad day can be like manner from heaven. This does unfortunately means that nothing else gets done however as I'm sure other 'loopers' will agree, piles of washing and 'must do's' can take  second place if you are actually in a position to get calmer for a day.

2. Music

This is my gem. I am often seen wearing headphones and what I do is choose a song that I can cope with and set my phone to repeat that song. It has been known for me to listen to a repeating song all day and all the next day until things calm done. What I find is that, where as my 'loops' don't end, the song does end and then it starts again and finishes again. This gives me such relief  and a sense of 'winning' as I  know I am not going to get stuck, the phone in a way takes control, guarantees to carry me over  into wonderful endings.

It's all a wobbly wobbly world, we all have our quirks. I'm aware I've not finished this blog, as I have not written about speech patterns or put a proper ending to anything but, ironically I need to go and fold some books now to calm down. Thank you for reading and thank you for journeying with me.

.........

Conversations

Silence is a very safe space.

Silence is something that's easy to achieve but silence is a mock friend. It is impossible to build bridges out of silence.  Similarly only listening and commenting on what everyone is doing with their lives is equally one sided and isolating.

So what are these things called group conversations. How on earth do they work. I find them terribly confusing but am determined to persevere.

Recently I realised a great longing to be connected to people, however, I have not got much training in the correct ways of making this happen. The following are some of the formulas I have tried to work it all out.