As you may or may not know I am creative , having what I almost term as a relationship with it (creativity). I would describe it as yet another split in my personality (me and it / it and me).
Last year I joined an art group in fear and trembling knowing it was time to meet my nemesis. Prior to this I had only allowed myself to only make crafty things, no paint or unstructured elements permitted.
But I have a twin, an untamed sibling, and we are joined at the shoulder. She has her own head and neck and I have mine. We battle as to who's eyes to look through and whose ears to hear with; she works alone and only in isolation; she can not communicate but she is dominate.
From 2000 till 2012 I kept her hidden and insisted on my vision only. I explained to her that her ways of doing things was impossible! I explained to her that I needed connection and relationship, unwilling to cope with what she produced I feared dying myself if it carried on. We share a body but constantly fought and argued and she won to often.
Over those 12 years I married and had two children, I lived by setting structured patterns, being a mum / Mrs gave me a new identity. I learned to love those titles and revealed in the order that babies and toddlers require. Most of all I enjoyed the patterns! As a job I took on cleaning and then house / garden maintenance, all these things brought such safety into my life and loving Zippy and his family brought trust and bridges of solid relationship. Over time my past got given meaning and yet more bridges were built into my own family.
Now I'm at a new chapter and for awhile now I have felt the itching of my twin to reappear. I have felt her scratching at my daily life, so we have had more words with each other. Over the last few months I have allowed her to take over my mind and experienced the journey of unknowing creativity.
In my art group I learnt, most people learn a skill then decided what they would like to produce and produce it. The outcome is then measured in their mind against their original thought and judged 'successful' or 'unsuccessful'.
However I have non of that luxury, for me to create is to take a step away from myself and let my twin take over. Having no idea of the outcome, the journey, or the potential end and length of the process. I know I can trust her to finish and push through, I know I can trust her to create something fantastic. But the struggle is the inability for us both to be available at he same time.
I don't feel I have made / created 'my art' and find the outcome as surprising as other people. If someone says you have done well or on the flip side give construct criticism - I struggle (especially historically). There is no feeling of any personal ownership or connection to anything produced. It's a bit like waking up after a heavy night out and in the morning looking around trying to put the pieces of the previous hours / days / weeks together.
Now though! Enough work has been done with enough meaning and clarity in place. Hopefully boundaries and support networks are strong. Dominant enough for my twin and I to reunite in respect for each other. and its time to bring her into relationship, connect her to others or at least meet her head on as if in some cowboy showdown.
To be honest I don't feel there's much choice as she's protesting to greatly. I'm sure we will rankle and argue on the way but world I would like to introduce to you my feral creative twin!