Monday, 2 March 2015

I Painted A Wall

This post will have spelling mistakes. This post will have bad grammer. But I write in desperation to get some of these words and thoughts out of my head, I am not in a place where it will make sense, so I will not try to.

Right now there is a consuming energy  trapped in my body like a crazy wooshing wirlpool. Its wirled through me over the last week building momentum and swirling relentlessly. Now my body is exhausted, so the energy has arrrived in my head. My body has given up. I try to filter and make sense, but its like holding back a crashing wave in a gale.

So how did I get here, what path has brought this 'manic crazieness' on me. What is it that now has voice after voice shouting at me, that has created suggestion after relentless suggestion. Why for split moments do I believe I could literaly create and do massive  crazy tasks, why am I told they would be so easy to achieve "just get started". Why when the enegry rams itself through my neck and swirls into my body, do I feel it kicking at me to try and get my exhausted frame to "stand up" and "get on" I feel shaky and bruised. Every now and then it finds a place to try and gather energy. In bed my feet twitch my arms stiffen, I find it lurking in my back and legs , making them stiff. In the end it gives up and travels back to my head.

It morphs once again into voices, sugesting advising, "they" now try to trick me, "They" make smaller demands in unison, smaller requests and we dive into the world of small of minute micro perfection. I react knowing they just want to trap me there so they can build back up to "being" and demanding the BIG. I give up, Ears ringing, thoughts flying voices shouting, songs looping over and over, "anything can happen" "anything can happen". I will not give my head over, I feel physically sick. It's such a fight. I will not move for fear to "creating a start". I freeze myself in self preservation.

So I come back to the question how did this start? How did I miss how on earth I got here. The answer, I decided I might be strong enough to paint a wall.