Saturday, 2 July 2016


The Heaviness is back, I am upset it is summer. The garden is full of lovely little rewarding jobs. The sun is shining. Yet it seems to me to be a million miles away. Hearing is hard work seeing is hard work, moving just seems an impossible dream. Then there's the guilt the heavy uneasy guilt. My kids are watching TV, I want energy I want to be outside showing them things. I want to be riding my bike with them or cutting the last two cauliflowers they have grown for tea.

It all seems impossible. I am full, every sense is 50% over its ability to function. My brain is so mashed with sounds voices and banging. The thought of having a conversation, seeing someone makes me want to cry there's nothing left to produce any words. Sitting static and bewildered in my bed I congratulate myself for even sitting up. Writing this blog is helping. It helps to start the process of unpicking enough to at least move.

I will move, I will make it to the garden bench. Soon.

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