Thursday, 12 November 2015

From eight to nine

I've not blogged for a while, not because I haven't wanted to but because I've been learning. For those of you that know me, I love to learn. Sadly however I have had to come to a realisation that no matter how much you "know" or can understand whats "happening" knowledge itself will only get you so far. It can give meaning, help you express and communicate, it can even give you confidence, but there are some things knowledge can't do.

It can't stop your over wrought nervous system shaking when something spontaneous happens, it can't get rid of emotional pain trapped inside you, it can't help explain fear even if the logical explanation might help comfort "it" a little.

So as those of you who read my last post have realised, I have got to a stage where I am ready to introduce my mind to my body. "What?" you may ask "your attached to your body, what on earth do you mean?".

Well so far I have only engaged with my head, what and who is in my head, how many voices are in my head, how much banging / ringings are in my head. I have worked out how when my head gets confused it needs straight talking and simple conversations (you may laugh). 

What I have never done though is engaged with my bodies journey and history. I have never given it the time of day and have not really "felt safe" in it, loved it or experienced connection through it. So as my previous poem suggest I have realised its time to connect head to body. Body to head.

One of my  voices always dances as it sings "we were nine, but nine died so now we are eight", every time this happened it would leave my so confused.  Recently I realised though that "nine" was my body and now eight of us live in my head. We killed nine!

Over the last few weeks we eight have been thrown into grief. You see one of the things I hate most is dis-empowerment or bullying. I hate those things with a passion. In the last few months we eight have presented ourselves to a new therapy - body integration / NARM. After our first session we realised that we have bullied and try to kill nine. We have silenced nine in order to survive. We eight have bullied and plotted against nine to remain in control and functioning. Nine has been to much for us eight to bear.

Now however we know nine never died, nine just fell silent into a state of comatose.

And so using an 'And' at the beginning of my sentence (not right), we the former eight would like to apologise for bullying and dis-empowering nine. We  are truly sorry and from now on will no longer refer to ourselves as eight. We will become nine.