Wednesday, 19 November 2014


I often wonder why I write these blogs?

I wonder what the purpose really is?

Some have asked me "but that's all behind you, why drag it up?". Some consider me to be attention seeking and making trouble. The phrase 'let the past be the past' can leave you feeling weak and stupid.

Originally I wrote because I wanted to learn how to write. A magical thing began, a blessing. I began to learn the peace of connection, explaining and giving meaning.

You see its all well and good if your past is in the past but for me my past was / is very much in my present, I am going to write quickly now in case I end up in a muddle. 

Imagine your a maths professor. Now imagine there was a maths formula you could not understand. You mull it over in your mind and think about it day and night (sometimes even when you don't want to) it haunts you. You seek solution to the formula by chatting with others who may help you read and research similar maths problems. You keep going until you have found the solution and then you have peace because you understand and have meaning for the formula. That formula then gets filed under 'understood'. Occasionally you are even in the position of being able to help another understand the formula in a quicker way than it took you, you enjoy the victory of understanding by connecting to others who have also understood the formula and can talk with you about other maths issues.

Well sometimes life can throw situations at us much like the maths formula. Situations that are so overwhelming and intricate  you have no way of comprehending or coping with. Your mind/body has a huge formula it can't file. Your brain and body fight and circle the formula trying to bring themselves to peace, but are unable to as what has been experienced is to awful to comprehend and deal with. I know there is far more I could write but I won't as to keep this simple. The point I'm trying to make is that brain and body will keep the problem in the present (there is no past). Experienced  over and over like a computer trying to reboot itself, you correctly try to process what has occurred at the cost of not always being able to live in the present. Worlds out of time collide and bump into each other. Past and present are undefined and the future is just as guilty as it spreads its anticipated fear of 'what might happen if...'.

Three years ago I started the process (with a great deal of help) of creating past, present and future within there rightful contexts. It has and remains a hard journey but one that has saved my life and identity from endless reactive confusion.

So in answer as to those who think in writing this blog  "You're dragging things up!". You couldn't be farther from the Truth,  actually what I'm doing is sharing my understanding and the 'meaning' of the problems I have encountered in order to help bring my mind to peace. This peace allows me to have a past. At the beginning of my journey a now trusted friend said to me "Carwen it is in understanding our past that we can have a future". I have found this to be so true and I'm so encouraged that life is less weighty than it ever has been in terms of historical baggage. 

Thank you to all those who have encouraged me in this journey, I know my life is daily connecting and better understood, more than it ever has been.

That is for me truth which allows me to be a free.