Can't sleep

So I thought I would just make sure there was a reason to still be taking a sleep aid a night.

I find myself writing this in a catch twenty two, having not taken my little blue pill at the prescribed time of 9pm I potentially now will loose a whole  nights sleep!!!! Boooo!!!!!

Or, it only bring 1am I could take one it would kick in by 2am. As these little beauties last twelve hours, It would mean loosing half my day tomorrow. Or a the least being awake made of concrete.

That's a basic! The next issue is that my mind is free to play. Humph!!! And I am not alone.

 I have been fighting to try and stop going to the toilet every half an hour as one voice suggests 'your bladder is full'. Another had me obsessed with finding a song from zippy's computer, which I finally listened to by blue toothing it to the steroid in the kitchen.

 And No!!! I do not want to 'go on the exercise bike' till I'm exhausted!!!!! And No!!! I do not want to 'go and check if the fox is pooing outside!' 

I feel resigned can I cope with seven more hours of this. This which will only get weirder and more intense. Why oh why did I not take the pill. Oh yes I remember know because 'what if I'm ok now! What if I'm better! What if people found out! I relyed on pill induced sleep. I am ashamed. Surly I should be better than this!

I fight to make sure I am not just feeling another's pain interceding on some poor disempowered behalf, and so have send emails and texts to make sure everyone is fine. Now paranoid I have to cope with the possibility I woke them all up.

My ears are ringing and banging. Do you know what, writing this has helped. 

Instead of me working up to waking zippy up in another two hours (probably in floods of tears) asking, 'what I should do?', my head is full of people and banging and ringing and suggestive voices!! (Poor zippy,humph!!) and him asking, 'why didn't u take your pill?'.

I choice the blue pill!!!! 

Body brain and bed! (A short poem)

Energy, physical energy!

It would be lovely to have enough spark
to go from morning to night.

To not give up half way through a day
and SHOUT "turn out the light".

But what we must realise is our head
is never severed from our body's form.

Our beautiful nerves and sinew are intrinsically linked
and this can make the whole mass forlorn.

It's just like a headache
measles or stress. 

head and nervous system intertwine
but sometimes end up in a relational mess!

So spare a thought for hurting heads
that can't stand straight on toes. 

It's not that they are lazy and can't get out of bed,
like everyone thinks they know.

Fact is they are physically exhausted
trying to move in a tied up rope. 

Takes a lot to keep a perspective
Energetic... Light... Hope.

Next time you take ill
please take note of it's effect on your whole mass.

Spare an understanding thought for those
who feel they keep coming mentally physically last.

Carwen

Remembering

31/1/14

Today I am exhausted and I can't take in any more! A friend once described it as your head being like a bucket with water in it and sometimes theres to much water and the water starts to flow over.

That's where I'm at I think and my bucket has had ten taps on full..... maybe theres not even a bucket or maybe I'm an exploded fire hydrant water uncontrollably everywhere?

So where am I?  In bed trying to calm down and trying to cope with what I've heard, what I'm hearing and what I will hear .

My body is still but  heavy. I'm stuck to my mattress made of concrete.  I'm aware of what feels like bubbling under my skin and tingling. Every now and then  a limb, or over a part of me, will experience a shot of fizzing (inside the bubbles) like Champagne  being poured in a glass.

This is not an unpleasant thing I experience and I used to have it daily. It's a type of paralysis; a deep meditative place thats calm and safe. 

Apart from ringing in my ears,  it's quiet and my mind slows to just filtering suggestions and voices in a way thats singular rather that eight or nine.  Eight or nine conversations  I  can't quite grapple with and one conversation with ringing is the safest quietest place I get.