The most radical thing I can do today is....

The most radical thing I can do today will not be painting the other half of the bedroom that Zippy and I are making, as my temptation suggests.

Nor will it be:

• Drilling seven new cupboards to the kitchen wall
• Moving all my art things out of storage
• Taking all and everything we don't need in the flat to charity shop or recycling center
• Putting a tarpaulin on the lawn and digging out all the garden waste and making a new pallet compost bin

Temptation!  Suggestion! Frustration! 
Temptation!  Suggestion! Frustration! 
Temptation!  Suggestion! Frustration!
NOW!!!NOW!!!NOW!!!

'I am more important!!" 

"no I am more important!!!!"

 "achieve me and I will be the answer!" 

" no I'm the answer!!"
Run freeze run freeze run freeze run freeze run freeze!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It will not be:

• Clearing out my daughters room and scrubbing the paint off her window
• Painting four pine wardrobes, five chest of draws and four side tables
• Hoovering the flat to within and inch of its life
• Cooking mushy peas from scratch
• Painting the floor blue
• Swapping all the mattresses around

• It will not be giving into all the voices dancing and colliding as they shout and whisper what "should be done?". 
• It will not be giving into the frustration of the looping 'One Direction - Story of My Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife'! Stupid Unfinished song line that I woke up and that is presently is trying to knock Kate Bush (CBE) of her perch. 
• It will not be giving into the need to hide in bed and lock the door and wish the day away, whilst simultaneously thinking I actually have enough energy to run twenty marathons and cook dinner for half of London.

Actually the most radical thing I can do today seems harder than all those things.  
Today I need to have a shower and wash my hair.

Regulation

I asked a friend last night to write a blog as she hadn't in a long time and now take my own advice. As I'm sure the whole country knows, we have just had the summer holidays. Now I enjoy my kids being off,  enjoy being able to travel, love seeing friends and sitting in the sun. I relish experiencing new things as the kids get older and this year we have reached a stage where we can all ride a bike on the road.

But as someone who also struggles with my brain the summer holidays present another challenge. My therapist is on holiday to which means the ability to upload offload discuss how situations can or are being handled is not there. I usually see this as a chance to put into practise all the things I have  learnt over the previous months, I see it as a marker as to how well me myself and my others are getting on and co operating with each other. I like to see how well we can remain in the present and not be swallowed by past flashbacks or future anxiety.

My Creative Twin

Been wanting to write about this for a long time, finally there seems to be enough meaning.

As you may or may not know I am creative , having what I almost term as a relationship with it (creativity). I would describe it as yet another split in my personality (me and it /  it and me).

Last year I joined an art group in fear and trembling knowing it was time to meet my nemesis. Prior to this I had only allowed myself to only make crafty things, no paint or unstructured elements permitted.

But I have a twin, an untamed sibling, and we are joined at the shoulder. She has her own head and neck and I have mine. We battle as to who's eyes to look through and whose ears to hear with; she works alone and only in isolation; she can not communicate but she is dominate.

From 2000 till 2012 I kept her hidden and insisted on my vision only. I explained to her that her ways of doing things was impossible! I explained to her that I needed connection and relationship, unwilling to cope with what she produced I feared dying myself if it carried on. We share a body but constantly fought and argued and she won to often.

Looping

One of the common things I tend to be talking about with people at the moment is this terrible business of what my sister and I have nick named 'Looping'.

Looping from our perspective is defined as 'something- be it  a physical action, internal thought or external that dis-empowers you by your inability to control or choose to have its company'. 

Now I tend to mostly have only 'internal thought' and 'speech' looping

So I will write from that aspect.  My aim is to communicate some of the things I have identified.

My 'loops,' as I posted previously, are repeating suggestive voices, unfinished lines of music and external speech rules which must be completed in order for speech to move forward to another subject. I am never without noise in my head because of my tinnitus, so I see that as my base level on a 'good' relaxed day.  However I am learning now to be able to map the relationship between life stressors and the other 'loops'.

But another strange common denominator seems to be appearing in the patterns, and that is the frustration of being unable to complete.

 I'm staring to learn that you either give in to 'looping' and it rules you or, as I am trying at the moment, you try to embrace part of what drives the loop to start again and that for me is a great fear of finishing.

I'm not going to say that I understand this because I don't, I just know that when say a song line is repeating 'she sailed away, she sailed away, she sailed away'; I might as well be wading through setting concrete to get my brain to go 'she sailed away on a lovely summers day on the back of a crocodile'.  If by some miracle I manage it, it will quickly be replaced by another line from  another song.

So I have to ask myself is it worth the fight and the frustration, or do I just pack it away with the ringing/ banging and 'get on' with my day?

It's a catch twenty-two because mentally you then must find something equal to or above in intensity to be able to ignore all the other 'looping'. Achieving this will often mean rapid thinking, rapid speech or strenuous physical or repetitive movement.

It's hard to write this blog as I don't have any set solutions, I just know that I journey along a road of ups and downs. Days of coping, and some days of hiding. Maybe I just now accept the journey for what it is unknown. 

I have found comforts though that make a level of peace achievable and I share with you two of my best helpers. 

1. TV
Watching a few episode of a series back to back on a bad day can be like manner from heaven. This does unfortunately means that nothing else gets done however as I'm sure other 'loopers' will agree, piles of washing and 'must do's' can take  second place if you are actually in a position to get calmer for a day.

2. Music

This is my gem. I am often seen wearing headphones and what I do is choose a song that I can cope with and set my phone to repeat that song. It has been known for me to listen to a repeating song all day and all the next day until things calm done. What I find is that, where as my 'loops' don't end, the song does end and then it starts again and finishes again. This gives me such relief  and a sense of 'winning' as I  know I am not going to get stuck, the phone in a way takes control, guarantees to carry me over  into wonderful endings.

It's all a wobbly wobbly world, we all have our quirks. I'm aware I've not finished this blog, as I have not written about speech patterns or put a proper ending to anything but, ironically I need to go and fold some books now to calm down. Thank you for reading and thank you for journeying with me.

.........

New extremes

 A short thought

Extremes and faith. Yesterday I would have said the extremes were signs of victories in faith. Flexibility, the ability to be ready, need nothing and go!!! Go, go as the call was made and the sacrifice required was presented. Go with a smile in the middle of the night.

Yesterday I would have said that extreme faith was the only way to test my commitment to the absolute. This would mean loss after loss, but a better fight after fight!

But then the extremes became normal, my brain became addicted and my heart lost reason. The distance between safe and unsafe ever wider.

So a few generations on, yesterday became today and now we fight for a firmer future but we stand on sand.

The new extremes are not the normal obvious whizz bang boooo!!!. The extremes are now things we dare not believe and talk about with whispered breath like consistency, longevity and trust.

Yep! the new extremes are not a high risk or a potent mixture of heady grit between the teeth. They are just the basic building blocks of relationship. 

These new extremes are barely remembered, if at all. There are few places to learn them from in this rushed instant existence, they are what make relationships grow and nurture. The new extremes such as honesty, love, loyalty, fun, joy and connection.

Join a revolution in the extremes of  today with rebuilding safety that can create houses on rocks. Join a revolution in having to learn about roots and sticks.

Join a revolution in the biggest most scary things of all, being in relationship with the wider. Home making, being friend, being mother, being father, being son / daughter, being community, creating safety rocks and making genuineness that last a life time. 

A new set of weary soldiers shout;

 "We want to live on rocks, the sand made us sea sick with its swaying". 

"We want to build on rocks so we have solid places to bungee from and spring back to".

So may we have the courage to cut this new extreme path. The sight to see  the longer way over individual, instant, and idealistic gain.

 Revolutionaries;

 "build with others, connected no longer be alone". As history had tried to say before, "No man is  an island and singular ness is not his throne".

Then on the rocks, villages will appear!, the old and young will learn to live again, need will be appeased and people will see people not just a possibility of gain. 

Yep, in this new love revolution family and community will reign.