Hope pills

I just want everything to be alright! I want the effort of the fight to stop!! I want all those tired of the monotony of the struggle to have rest!!

I  sometimes get tired of taking the next weary step. I look to thoes who are equally as weary, in solidarity. I am grateful not to be walking alone.

We stumble, bump, hobble, forwards, sometimes with a smile sometimes with a tear.

But looping again I say. What I really want is for it all to be at peace. Those trapped, those struggling, those who just need to have a hope pill every day!!!

Yes a bucket of hope be poured on us all!! A bucket of joy drench and renew us!!! We walk, we walk, we walk, we carry, we walk, we walk, we carry, we walk, we walk, we walk!!!!

Thank you to all who walk and carry me, I love you, I appreciate you from, twitter to Face Book, from drinking tea in my kitchen to eating biscuits in yours!!! From north to south, Australia to Newcastle.. Hope be on you, joy be in you!!! Xxx

The old boxer

They look at the old boxer now, a withered and scared form.

They say they understand because they know he used to fight.

They say they understand the slanting nose and the creak of his previously dancing toes.

They look at the boxer, and they understand he used to fight.

But in his tired eyes there is never rest,

For although his body is past it's best,

From being asked to fight to young his brain is in a mess.

He fights now for his dignity and tried to hide, 

his confusion of humanity's seas and tides

One day like his body his mind to will rest 

Holding to account those who put him in the ring before his first christening was blessed.

But until that time look at him and say you understand he used to fight,

And then allow him extra time to feel the blessing of life.

Circles V springs. (tiny poem).

Sometimes it can feel you go round and round.

You hit the scenarios again and again, no ending to be found.

Round and round and round in circles trapped.

The same problems the same feelings The same crap.

No begin no ending, hang on a minute but what's that?

Time ticks on, moves you forward "oh I've been such a pratt!".

It was all a lie, a circle it never was, 

It was actually a spring

as time ticks forward; upward I cling.

Each time I face the same old same old. 

I face them anew!

With a days new safety in my belt and more knowledge like a welcome home brew.

don't forget the circles a lie!

It's in the spring of life you reside

Each time the same old problem comes around it's further up that coiled spring your bound.

You've moved another coil, 

meet the same old friend or foe.

Time can make the coils feel wide 

or squashed together 

But remember my friend in a circle you are not trapped! Not ever!....

 

Keep climbing. Keep moving.

Silence - Friend or Foe?

"MUM!, Carwen won't speak AGAIN!"

1993 aged 16yrs and two years into being  secretly being stalked by Frog Face. One of the ways I coped was to write a diary in which I would never acknowledge Frog Face. I hoped in some way that I could literally write Frog Face out of my life and forget.

14:08:93

...Last nights dinner was another "take the piss out of Carwen event", I have now got to the stage where I can just shut off. I can hear them calling me 'deaf and dumb' because I never answer or defend myself against their insults. It does not matter any more as nothing can hurt me {as when I was younger} when I  made myself oblivious to physical pain, I can now shut down mentally. I have found fighting back never works and you only end up getting hurt twice as much. As the verbal abuse keeps coming you know inside you have won because you remain emotionless......

18:09:93

.....You know sometimes you wish something drastic would happen and then 'something' would effect you and maybe you would be 'seen'. Then when something drastic happens to you your not sure if it is drastic at all. I mean one minute all you want to do is cry forever and the next its just not reality. You seem to be shrouded in a haze of numbing peace. Maybe this is what people mean when they say in drastic situation "you just get to a stage where the tears dry and you just have to live on as best you can"........

06:10:93

.....Oh I don't know everything is upside down. I want to scream and kick till I'm blue in the face. I want to be alone but I feel so inhibited when I am. At school  sometimes there are so many people around all talking and making the air clammy and hot. I put on my walkman but although it helps me to forget I'm with people - I can't.   I want to run away and be cold, to breath cold fresh air, to be in some quiet place where I won't see anyone and they won't see me. I would put on a song and dance without worry. I'd be in my world singing at the top of my voice and dancing circle after circle. The air is crisp and dry, the sky heavy with light. My eyes drink in the beauty of my world into which no one else can come.  I am  without the thickness and stuttering, I am without having to try and speak properly.  It's impossible and I want to cry, I cant be alone.

I have an aching in my belly I just don't want to 'Be'. I spend most of my time in my fantasy world were I can escape. The thing is I'm spending more and more time there. It scares me as I know its wrong but I just need to be there and although I'm physically not free there - I am. Is that wrong do you think?....

Having never told my dysfunctional family anything I had gone through, my behaviour to them was really hard to understand. Each of us lived and survived our own stories of coping. None of it was "normal" and we each lived extreme confusing unseen lives.

12:10:93

....Quotes from dinner tonight referring to yours truly.

 "I hate you so much x2"....

"I really passionately hate you, you are so annoying!"......

 they speak to each other.. "I know I get that feeling when I look at 'It'... 

"mind you I never speak to 'it' (laughing) "I'm glad I only have to see 'it' at dinner"...

I'm feeling a tad pissed off! well no that's a lie I feel nothing to them. I am nothing to them. Its stupid to think I ever will be. The thing that scares me, I mean really scares me is that I guess because of me having my own world of silence and the three months of hiding that I  did over the summer I think I may have forgotten how to cope. I mean I used to go a few days without speaking or seeing anyone. I could always integrate back when I had to, now though I am more paranoid than ever If only I could keep this wall around me for longer; I just get so terrified of people. Crowds are becoming another problem, I can only speak to one person at a time and I can't cope if lots of people are talking.

In class I freak if the teacher asks me a question or looks at me. The other day I had taken soup in a flask to school and it must have got smashed inside on the bus. During history I took a sneaky swig and ended up with a mouth full of glass. I couldn't do anything about it so had to sit there for twenty minutes for class to end and go to the loo.  I generally feel ugly and pathetic, I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone as there is no one to tell. 

I'm writing this because on my journey into discovering, I used to get so confused until I realised there is a difference between people who have experienced a trauma and those that grew up within trauma and have had their whole character / world view grown in it. 

I hear people comment on how they wished they could go back to their twenties or teen years as if the years of age are robbing them. When people talk about 'getting back to what they used to be' prior to the experienced trauma, I used to feel like failure until I understood I didn't have anything to 'go back to.'  I have never felt robbed by the age thing and feel every year I live is better & more free than the last; I am relieved I'm here. Ironically it's not because the years have made me stronger, it's because I am now safe and it's in that safety I am able to finally shed my strength, shed my walls and know I am still loved accepted and 'seen'. #CPTSD.

Honest

There are times I need to get drunk to make it stop! 

"Make it stop what have you got, that day in, day out, they think you forgot?"

I reply in shades of hopeless blue, it's the past it's  the history for you.

But this past you thought I forgot it sits up and bites me on the bum a lot!!!

"What but you have forgot!!!!!  it's been years you must not be so shameless and weak!!!!!"

I reply "my years of tears in my bedroom I'll keep, incase  I freak". 

Be near me lord, please be the hand in which my drunken  soul and I safely land.

For there must be a place much further on were, my imperfections no longer are shone.

A place were in the cruel light if day my 'inner child' can play.

Dear lord please don't make me the child you forgot, when you gave out grace to forgive the lot!!.

 The sin you see was not even mind it was afflicted on my body, you made so fine.

So dear lord forgive me the drunken, whole friggin lot! It's in you I put the whole bloody lot!!

Dedicated to beautiful R.

December!!!!

Christmas month... Thought patterns...

November... Anticipation of December intense intense intense intense.....

December..... Try and plan intense intense intense....... Want to get it right..... Intense intense intense intense ......... Must not forget first lists made...... Intense intense intense.

Dates start flying around, dinners drinks, being social.... Put in coping plans for each as I would like to enjoy them.... Intense  intense intense intesnse......

Cloths for events, I can't wear my usual. New feelings, new fabrics.... Intense intense intense....

Loads of lights feed my overstimulated brain cells, loopy, loopable, looping songs.... EVERYWHERE!!!.... Intesnse intesnse intesnse......

You get my drift... Present buying, family, friends, receiving gifts, trees, wrapping paper, Sellotape, hiding presents, stockings, eating to much, drinking to much, being mum, being mate, being mrs....... Intesnse intense......

You make think I don't like Christmas but you would be wrong. I very much like the values of Christmas. I very much like spoiling and showing my family and friends how much I appreciate and love them.

(But the love in my belly is hard to interpret into anything tangible). Living in my head means, Christmas, in all it's wonderful colour is a little bit like being a driver in the grand pre taking a hair pin bend...

woooooooshhhh, pre plan anticipate, take in enviromental conditions, assess road surface, apply correct throttle and brake, keep an eye on the other drivers woooosh!!!!! go into the corner reassess all variables, take corner, assess again, power out!!!! Wooooosh... assess straight.... take in all variables ...... Speed ..... Road surface.... Throttle.................

Love you all appreciate you all very much and I'm excited to live 2015 with you all!!!! Merry Christmas.🌸🌸🌸

Connections

I often wonder why I write these blogs?

I wonder what the purpose really is?

Some have asked me "but that's all behind you, why drag it up?". Some consider me to be attention seeking and making trouble. The phrase 'let the past be the past' can leave you feeling weak and stupid.

Originally I wrote because I wanted to learn how to write. A magical thing began, a blessing. I began to learn the peace of connection, explaining and giving meaning.

You see its all well and good if your past is in the past but for me my past was / is very much in my present, I am going to write quickly now in case I end up in a muddle. 

Imagine your a maths professor. Now imagine there was a maths formula you could not understand. You mull it over in your mind and think about it day and night (sometimes even when you don't want to) it haunts you. You seek solution to the formula by chatting with others who may help you read and research similar maths problems. You keep going until you have found the solution and then you have peace because you understand and have meaning for the formula. That formula then gets filed under 'understood'. Occasionally you are even in the position of being able to help another understand the formula in a quicker way than it took you, you enjoy the victory of understanding by connecting to others who have also understood the formula and can talk with you about other maths issues.